A 3am rambling.. Sickness beneath the surface

William is sick.. Again? Still? He’s been crook for a month but we finally found a doctor that would prescribe something for it. He’s been on antibiotics since lunch time yesterday, so he has only two doses so far. He appears to be worse, as often happens in these cases but I hope it’s working for him. Sometimes things seem like they’re getting worse before they can get better, as junk from hidden places is exposed and eliminated.

Yes that’s totally a misdirected dig at my GP who responded to me begging her to extend my mental health plan with some stupid test and declaring, “but you seem to be getting worse.” Bite me. Then bite your own ass. Then bite me again but wash your mouth first please.

What’s actually wrong?? With William, coz that’s the quicker question to answer.. He’s had slightly inflamed ears for a month, green chunky snot for a month, a funny snore for at least a month and stinky breath for a month. He’s just generally unsettled. His behaviour has been a little off.

He hasn’t been so unwell as to need treatment. A few times we’ve taken him to the doctors to be told, “it seems like a virus, it should clear up on its own.” He’s probably being reinfected at daycare to be honest because he’s usually well by Thursday night so we send him to daycare Friday, then swimming saturday, then all gunked up again by Sunday. We skipped swimming last weekend to see if that made any difference. It didn’t. We’ve skipped church and playgroup for ages but that doesn’t make any difference either.

I really hope he’s well enough for daycare on Friday this week because I have an appointment I can’t get out of. Ok I confess, I have movie tickets I can’t refund. That’s the same thing right? Unfortunately not. Why do I ever buy anything in advance? I wonder if William would enjoy Iron Man 3? I don’t think everyone else in gold class would appreciate his extra sound effects. Kids have a habit of bouncing quickly though, so I can only hope he’s well enough to go to daycare. Please God please please this mummy needs a break!!

We got William the antibiotics this time because enough is enough. Although re infection is common for kids his age it’s also likely he’s got some bacterial thing going on that is making his immune system weak and keeping him down. They’ll either help if the cause was bacterial or he will get much worse if it was viral. Either way we will know. She probably could have taken a swab and had him tested but gee that’d be too convenient wouldn’t it. Lets just treat the symptoms and hope they go away. Yes another dig.

It’s hard not to blame myself. I weaned him cold turkey, when he was already snotty, during change of season while he was bombarded with Easter chocolate, just before his vaccinations. It sounds horrible really. I certainly had my reasons. I don’t regret weaning because, as beautiful as breastfeeding was, I was starting to resent it. It was time to make a change and I made it. I support that decision. As I explained a month ago, William just didn’t respond to gradual feed reduction..

It’s just a bit annoying knowing that if I still had milk now I could ‘make William better’ in two or three feeds. I’ve been sitting up with him for hours, trying to work out how to get him back to sleep, because I haven’t got that magic bullet of breastfeeding as an option. Still, I tell myself that this is good for his immune system. It had to learn to function without breastmilk sooner or later.

I’m trying to avoid taking him into my bed and I don’t even know why. Probably because we both associate that with feeding all night. After cuddling and stroking and patting for hours I’ve placed him his cot and I’m lying on the floor beside him, hidden under a blanket so he can’t see the screen light, blogging to keep from losing my mind.

For what? Just take the kid to my bed? No. Because once he finally does fall asleep I want to escape back to my room and sleep soundly without him digging his knees into my chest or blowing snot bubbles in my face. Small pleasures after a big sacrifice? Self-preservation? Unrealistic expectations? You tell me because I don’t know.

I want my little man to know I’m always here for him when he needs me but I also want some time to myself.

To finish with a quote from Garfield, I think,

sleep is the body’s way of telling other people to go away.