It’s been awhile since I’ve posted about this stuff as I don’t like to be too vulnerable. I need to get it out of my head though and if it helps anybody else well then it’s worth it.
My last post described a rather productive week when I was on top of the housework, playing with the kids, tackling problems well and feeling well. I had a good week, mood-wise, and I had made the most of it. It was a week ago.
Throughout that week I had one fear: the inevitable crash. You see every now and then I get a good run for a while in an instant *snap*, just like that it’s gone.
This week has been really hard. One of the hardest ever. Yes I lost the Artist DVD that I was meant to post to the giveaway winner and can’t find it anywhere despite turning my newly cleaned house inside out to find it. (Don’t worry Donato, I got a new one for you and it’s on its way). Yes it’s been tricky with Corey back home, yes people in our lives have let us down through forgetfulness, selfishness and some plain thoughtlessness, yes I had a psych appointment last Saturday for the first time since the car crash and it overwhelmed me, yes it’s been overcast and gray and yes we had a few sleepless nights thanks to William teething. Alexis has had issues with her little friends which have caused me to blow up and lose it. Yet it’s more than that.
I haven’t been able to concentrate. At all. On anything. I have felt tired, exhausted, and down and miserable, regardless of how much rest I got (because I never really rest, even when I’m asleep I’m having nightmares) I have been absent-minded and struggling to keep up with the children. I’ve been useless around the house and panicking over stupid things. I’ve been irritable. I’ve been rude. I’ve been hiding away in a cave. And I’ve hated every second of it.
Through all this I don’t only have the internal monologue of “you’re worthless, you’re useless, you can’t do anything,” I’ve had the guilt over just not caring enough to fight it. I’ve prayed, sort of, and I’ve read my bible, and we’ve listened to worship music, and because of that we are all fed, clean and hugged, but I still don’t “feel” right. So I’ve had the “you should be able to beat this, you’ve asked God for help, maybe he doesn’t care” going through my head which really hasn’t helped. Add to this a few minor incidents at church (that blew up because I let them) and it feels like my head is going to explode.
Jess from Diary of a SAHM posted on Life on a Hill yesterday about depression verse faith in her post Disappear. I’ve been wanting to write about it all week but this was the push I needed. I really suggest you read it, because she has summed it up much better than I can right now. As a quick guide I’m gonna cut and paste some bits so you know where I’m coming from.
As a Christian, I am adequately equipped to withstand any kind of assault the devil tries to hurl at me….By this reasoning, I do not have to be depressions victim. Or anything else’s for that matter…so.. Why do I allow those faulty feelings and negative thought patterns that are the complete antithesis of what God says to be true, rule me and control me? Why is it easier to believe the constant soundtrack of ‘you failed again,’ that is on repeat in my head, instead of realising that I am a daughter of the most high God..I do not have to be bound by anything; the power of the cross has set me free…And yet….The last few days, all I’ve wanted to do is disappear. Cease to exist. Just not be ..
It’s a constant struggle.
When I’m up I’m worried about falling and when I’m down it’s difficult to think I will ever claw my way back up. Yet I’m not content to just sit in a big pit of despair either. In many ways I think it would be easier to just accept what’s happening to me and not struggle. To go “ok I have depression and anxiety and I’m ok with that.” But I’m not ok with that. I want more.
My husband wants me to run away from it all. “Just forget them”, “just stop stressing about it,” “just stop thinking about them,” “just don’t go back there ever they don’t care about you let’s wait awhile then just go somewhere else”. But I can’t. I don’t want to run. It’s going to be the same everywhere. Where there are people there are conflict and where there’s no people it’s there’s no point.
Many people in our lives cause us stress and we can’t run from them all. How do you decide who is worth it and who is not? What stresses are good and what situations are better given up on? I need some sort of contact with the outside world. The kids need friends. I need to believe that I can fit in somewhere, anywhere, for once in my life. I need more, for my children, for a good witness and for myself. It will get better. One day. I keep trying. But the fear of failing again is too hard to bear.
The confusion builds up in my head until I can’t take it anymore. My body churns and my brain buzzes with little spikes of aggression and I fight it as much as I can and then one day bang I’ve done something stupid around someone and I get embarrassed and I think they are never gonna like me so I get a few more verbal jabs in while I can.
After I go off the handle I then run away. I know this. Ms Psych lady says the fight or flight is automatic and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes I have to disappear to calm down and let others do the same. But disappearing too long makes it so much harder to contemplate going back. Sometimes a little bit of guilt is good because it motivates change but too much guilt is paralysing. Thinking automatically that everyone hates me because I messed up is something that is really hard to change because, well, people do get upset and angry and disappointed at me, it’s a fact. The only difference is that people forgive and forget at different rates. Trying to guess whether it’s an appropriate time to try to go back or not is exhausting. If I go to appologise and it’s not well received it crushes me. I know I should be stronger than that but I’m not. And so I hide, waiting for the strength to try again.
In the meanwhile something else sets me off and I’m back where I started.
I had a good week, not long ago, so it must be possible. What’d I do different? How can I get there again? Can’t I just hibernate through winter? But then I would miss so much good too.
It’s a constant struggle but yet I’ve already won.