Sitting here, still, exhausted. Silent tears roll down my eyes, defying my will to stay strong. I have had enough. 4 days and 3 nights of no more than 4 hours sleep (and never more than 2 hrs at a time) hits hard. Mastitis-like stabbing pain in my breast hurts like fire. But seeing my little girl broken hearted from 4 days and 3 nights without seeing her daddy is hell.
I know he has to go away for work but sometimes it just sucks. This time is one of those times. I know it’s hard for him too. I know I need to stay positive for my kids. I know it hurts him to know I hate him being away. I know it’s all part of the job and he doesn’t need me making things harder for him but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
The first time with 2 kids was always going to be tough. There was no way to avoid that. I was as organised as I could possibly be. Things would have been fine if nothing had gone wrong but things do tend to go wrong when I really need things to run smoothly. It’s a fact of life. It’s something I’m going to have to get used to. It’s hard to be flexible when I’m this stuffed though.
Alexis and William have taken it in turns to be up most of the night since Monday night. Actually to be truthful William is allowed to wake for feeds at night and he goes back to sleep easily. The only night he was difficult was Monday night and that was my fault for drinking coffee Monday morning. It’s Alexis who is making things difficult. She is really hyperactive when she’s tired.
She has been waking multiple times a night and rising ridiculously early. She goes looking for daddy and by the time she has accepted he is not here she is awake. She is awake but she is extremely overtired, meaning she is difficult to handle. She screeches, screams and squeals just because she can. I’ve tried to have busy days socialising with family to tire her out but it doesn’t seem to matter. I try to give her quality one on one time but the more I give her the more she demands from me. She has learned to open the fridge and pantry and I am enduring multiple fights a day of “no you can’t eat that” and “smashy, ta for mummy”. There is food from one end of the house to the other.
She won’t leave her brother alone. She is continually hitting him with things, trying to shove things in his mouth, pulling his hands and feet and poking his head. I even caught her biting him. This is not the little girl I know and love. Who is this monster who has possessed my child?
Yet I can’t be mad at her. I love her more than anything and she is only a child. I couldn’t stay mad for long even if I wanted to. She is so cute at times, sitting and playing at my feet. She has a gorgeous smile and happy laugh. She gives such lovely cuddles. She doesn’t want to hurt William she just wants him to play with her. She doesn’t really mean to be difficult, I don’t think (although I do often wonder). She is just very full-on.
I’ve tried to explain that if she is calm enough while I put William down to sleep then I can play with her just the two of us. She won’t leave him be but then she ends up getting upset that she doesn’t get enough mummy time. When we finally do get time just the two of us she starts calling out for him as soon as he makes a tiny noise, which, with William, is a lot because he is very noisy in his sleep. She is only trying to help but it isn’t helping. She doesn’t say “William”, she refers to him by the most horrible scratchy squeal noise and she thinks it’s hilarious.
I can’t be everywhere at once and I only have two hands. I do leave William crying so I can get food for Alexis or change her nappy etc but then she gets upset because William is crying. I am trying to be organised and a step on top of things but its hard because I don’t get a minute to get ahead.
I almost had it under control until the pain started in my breasts. I’m wondering if I should go to the doctor but I don’t have a fever yet. I’m just trying to feed William as much as possible, which doesn’t help Alexis much. Fortunately my aunty is coming to help in a few hours.
Family support has been great but its not the same. It’s can’t fill the place of my husband and it can’t fill the role of father for the kids. It’s only a few days. Alexis knows her father loves her. She will bounce back soon enough. Some would say that William is too young to really understand that Corey is even gone but I say he does know. Things will be back to normal soon enough. We will get through it. We don’t have a choice.
I have to get back to being mum now. I didn’t have time to write this. I have things to do but there will always be things to do. Sometimes I have to stop and take time out. I’m cuddling William as I write and he is sleeping for the first time in hours. Alexis is watching the menu screen for the wiggles dvd because I don’t have the remote and I haven’t gotten up. Yeah this probably borders on neglect but she will deal.
Sometimes I need a break, to recoup. Sometimes it all gets too much. Especially when I haven’t slept much. Sometimes she needs to be told the world does not revolve around her. It is a hard lesson to learn. I am still learning it too. Now I am feeling better though and it’s time to face the rest of the day. Having been up for 5 hours already I’m not sure how my body will cope but I will just have to.
I will get through, with God strengthening me, one minute at a time, one step at a time, one feed at a time, one “Alexis get off his head” at a time. Hubby will be home tonight. I can’t wait to give him a hug and hand him one or both of his children. I can’t wait to see him again but he had better not dare say he is tired.
Now I have two babies peacefully asleep on my lap. Alexis climbed up and passed out. I wish I could take a photo but the SD card in my phone has died so I can’t use the camera. “Toot toot chugga chugga” continues to play on loop. I can barely stand it any longer but both my kids are sleeping. Finally. They are both happy and there is no way to move without waking them both. Alexis is on my arm. It’s going numb. I have to pee. Yet another time I wish someone else was here.