On Tuesday night Alexis slept from my last entry until almost 7 am. It was so nice to get a decent sleep. It would have been better if I hadn’t stayed up so late putting photos on facebook, but hey, mummies need “me time” occasionally too.
Alexis and I mulled around for a few hours while Corey went back to sleep. Around 9:30 he finally woke up, but had the nerve to whinge he was still tired, lol. I don’t understand how he needs that much sleep. I suspect he is up all night killing enemies on the internet. Good to see he is enjoying his holidays.
Is it my turn yet? When is my holiday? When do I get a 2.5 hour nap? It is lovely having him around for company, and we’ve been going out a bit and having fun, so I sorry of feel like I’m in holidays because he is, but unless the magic fairies are going to come do the washing, cleaning, cooking, feed my baby and stay up with her at all hours of the morning (like now), then it’s not really a holiday for me really is it.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mother and I’m trying to improve from “world’s worst housewife” to keeping the house in a semi-decent state. I don’t actually miss full-time work. I enjoy spending time with my daughter. I even like doing housework, because I get a small sense of satisfaction when I do it well. So why have I been cranky for the last few days? When Corey’s chipped in and helped out so I could relax with him I’ve whined over him doing it wrong, missing something, or being too slow. Then there’s the moments when he’s done things better than I can! Typical, “I slave away (yeah right) all day every day
and you can do it so easily you should help out more often”. I’m actually feeling inferior and frustrated that I still haven’t mastered this whole housewife thing after a whole year (is there something wrong with me?) but can’t explain that to him. I’ve tried but he doesn’t get it. Which leads me down the “you don’t think my feelings are important” road, which is NEVER pretty. The man can’t win. Why have I been so cantankerous? Why can’t I let Corey enjoy his holidays and be happy for him and make the most of the time we have? There must be a reason, rather than me just being a cow!?
I think it’s really starting to hit me just how permanent and life changing this whole mum thing is. I can’t swich off. I can’t avoid it. I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t have a day off. It scares me because I always like to have an escape plan. When “all I am” is a wife and mum, there is no escaping that. So even though I love what I do, I sometimes feel trapped, and I don’t like that. “Just get a babysitter and have some time to yourself,” well-meaning people naively say. Let me enlighten you by recalling a few occasions I have left Alexis…
1) When Alexis was about six weeks old I left Alexis with my parents while I got my hair done. On the drive there I glanced back at the empty car seat repeatedly. When I got there I sat in the chair. She asked me what I wanted. “Something easy to maintain,” I said. “What do you do for work?” “I’m a mum”. Cue three hour conversation about pregnancy, labour, childbirth, boobs and how cute my baby is. She even asked if we were planning to have another one. Sure, one day, but six weeks after giving birth it wasn’t high on my to-do-list.
2) Corey had precious alone time with Alexis a few weeks later while I went to a friend’s tupperware party. “How are you, where’s the baby, is she with her dad?” “yes”. “What’s new/how was your day” followed, with answers all involving milestones, poos, spews, etc. I think the inevitable labour convo happened there too.
3) Ladies Christmas dinner at church. Same as tupperware party. Although at least there I was privileged to listen in on some interesting conversations, adding a sleep-deprived “yeah” on occasion. Actually it wasn’t just mothering, my other knowledgeable subject was also covered, being a wife. Although I’ve been a wife longer than a mum, I don’t discuss marriage-stuff much, it’s more private, but with church family we are free to be ourselves and we talked about a few things, and how to cook a roast which I’ve always wanted to do but never been ambitious enough to try. I actually really enjoyed myself that night. It did refresh me, for a little while, but Alexis clung to me so tight for the week after I begun to wonder if it was worth leaving her again.
There’s times when Corey and I have gone out on our own. This is incredibly important, and quite enjoyable, but to avoid a monologue about Corey’s work (with me adding “yeah”, “ah-ha”, and nodding occasionally to prove to us both I haven’t fallen asleep), the conversation inevitably turns to Alexis, or the dishes, or the list things I wanted to get done but didn’t.
I’m either silent and boring, or talking about housework, or bragging about my kid. I never wanted to be ‘one of those people’, but I don’t *do* anything else. I have nothing else to talk about. It’s part of life, and I’m just going to have to get used to it. It’s not like it’s that bad to think about Alexis all the time, she is a beautiful, precious gift and I love her dearly. I am so blessed, and I know that, its just, every now and then it hits me just how constant and permanent this is.
Anyway seeing as it is almost 5 am and I have been up since 2, I should probably get some sleep now. Alexis is asleep, Corey managed to convince her to sleep about an hour ago after I begged him to give me a break. I had tried everything, it wasn’t working, there was no point continuing to bang my head against a wall. By then I was so worked up I needed to calm down before sleep, so I blogged, about my husband and my kid. See what I mean.