Last night I had the weirdest feeling. I woke after 5.5 hours sleep. As in 5.5 of solid, uninterupted sleep. The most sleep I'd had in one stretch for at least 7 weeks. Actually since my son was born I had been lucky to get 5 hours sleep in total, over 3 stretches.
So naturally when I glanced at the time and it said 2:30 I was very surprised. It was a pleasant surprise but I couldn't help the niggling little question…"where is my baby?" You see, William's bassinet wasn't beside me in my room.
Corey wasn't there either so I knew he would be with him. I relaxed a little. I remembered what happened before I went to sleep. I had informed Corey that he was going to take William away because I needed to sleep and he could deal with him for once.
You see I'd had a few rough days and rough nights and I was over it. Mentally, emotionally, physically… I was absolutely exhausted. After Corey was away for a week followed by an insanely busy weekend followed by cleaning the house for an inspection, the last thing I had needed was a few nights of no sleeping. So I was absolutely spent.
I had been so tired that I had a headache, earache, stomach cramps, sore legs, sore jaw, sore eyes, dizziness, and a generalised 'vague' buzz in my head. I was so cranky and short-tempered my fuse could be measured in micrometers. I was aware of the kids sooking but I just didn't know how to fix it.
So at 8:30 on Friday night after cluster feeding William since 2pm I had to drop everything and sleep. I just had to. So Corey had gallantly taken William away. Like all good men he acted as if it was all his idea and said, "I'll take him, you rest. You're no good to anyone like this. I'll come get you when he needs a feed".
I remember thinking, "duh. Finally, he gets it," and being slightly ticked off that he thought he was a genius for suggesting something I'd been asking him to do for 2.5 hours, before finally falling asleep.
So when I woke 5.5 hours later I did not feel guilty but I did feel grateful. I wondered how long Corey had been up with William before they finally fell asleep. I knew, rationally, that he would have been fine because William had fed so much in the afternoon he would have slept well once he finally fell asleep. I just didn't know how long it might have taken Corey to get William to sleep.
I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep but it wasn't that simple. a) my boobs were used to feeding every 2-3 hours at night (thus ouch) and
b) I just had to check that William was ok. It's a mum thing.
I started thinking "is he ok?" I knew I didn't need to worry but there was some sort of biological urge to check anyway. Worst-case scenarios started to work their ways through my mind so I went looking for my boys. I knew they would be in the spare room, didn't I, yet I wandered through the house checking to see if they'd fallen asleep on a couch somewhere. They weren't in the lounge or the nursery.
I half expected Corey to have taken him into bed with him. Corey is dead set against it because he is a deep sleeper but who knows what people do when they're tired. I'm not against cosleeping, I have done it with Alexis many many times and with William occasionally out of necessity but I know how deeply Corey can sleep at times. So I reached the spare room.
I wanted to check but I didn't want to check. I didn't want to wake them if they'd been up late. I didn't want Corey to think I didn't trust him. I couldn't explain it rationally but I just had to check. I wasn't getting back to sleep anyway so I opened the door carefully knowing William's bassinet might be in the way.
Sure enough everything was fine.
William was in his bassinet, on his back, swaddled, fast asleep. I even put my hand on his chest and felt it rise and fall. Corey was fast asleep in the bed. I snuck out quietly and went back to my room.
I waited up for awhile wondering if I should express or wait for William to need a feed. He almost always feeds somewhere around 2:30am. It's the only sort of routine he has. I didn't want to express and not have enough for him when he woke. But full boobs hurt. Plus if I expressed a bottle I could have a drink tonight.
I was just about to go get the pump ready when Corey wheeled the bassinet up. "I sensed you were awake so I thought I would bring him back."
I asked Corey, "how was he?". "Fine," he told me, "he fell asleep on the way down and he has been down ever since." I was impressed. I was also ever so slightly disappointed that William hadn't given Corey a hard time (you know, just so be got a taste of what it's like. You know what I mean?) but mostly I was happy my baby had a good sleep. William started stirring. It was time for a feed.
We sat him up to clean his nose and he had the biggest smile, so proud of himself for sleeping so well. We told him how very proud of him we were too. He drained both ridiculously full sides (must have been hungry!) and went back to sleep. Good boy!
It's left me asking so many questions though.
Did William sleep so well because he'd been feeding all day? Did he sleep so well because he was absolutely exhausted? Was the other room darker or brighter or cooler or noisier? Or did he sleep so well just because I wasn't there?
Maybe he normally just wants to feed just because he can smell my milk? Alexis started sleeping better once we moved her to her own room. Maybe it's time. He's so little though. Alexis was about this age when she started having day sleeps in the cot. It might be time to start the same with him. I've tried a few times but he wasn't interested but maybe I should keep trying.
Or maybe I should just cut him some slack and take each moment as it comes. He's just a little baby. He doesn't know that though. He's a very clever, very determined, easily frustrated little man. He is babbling and giggling and he watches Alexis closely so jealous he can't do what she can do. He wants to roll and crawl and walk and eat real food but he can't. Slow down William, you are not even two months old yet.
He's growing up so very quickly. Where's my baby?