Since writing bed wars we had a few good nights when Alexis slept in her cot with minimal fuss allowing Corey and I to reclaim our bed, a few hellish nights when she barely slept at all, and a few nights of her in the family bed. It's seemingly quite inconsistent which upsets us all. I had mentally planned a series of "bed wars" posts but never got them written because when she slept well I was busy the next day making the most of the fact she slept well (aka I felt semi-human) and when she barely slept I spent most of the next day (or 2) trying to cope with a terror overtired toddler in my zombie-like state. I've spat out a few whingy posts along the way but unfortunately do not remember enough details. I did a quick hash out of what I would have said, and it seems interesting enough, so I’m going to post it here for you to have a laugh at.
By the way, this is my 101st post. Hurray. My 100th post was a whinge about church with a toddler being even crazier than church with a baby, which was disappointing. Hopefully my 200th post will be far more interesting. Anyway, for now, “Sleep Wars”, all six episodes. Lucky you.
Episode 1 – the crying menace
Like in star wars The Phantom Menace we meet Anakin who movies later becomes Darth Vader, here we are introduced to the future bed invader, as she cries and cries in the cot requiring constant attention and supervision but she's so damn cute we don't realise she could be dangerous.
Episode 2 – attack of the guilts
In star wars "attack of the clones" the Jedi discover a clone army who appears to be on their side made just to help them. When the Jedi are under attack from their foes with seemingly no way out the clones rescue them. We don’t find out until much later (the next movie in fact) that the army was actually created by the enemy and turns against them in amidst a battle, leading to the demise of most of the Jedi. Parenting guilt is like this. We read info and ask for advice thinking we need it to be good parents. Often it is offered to us without us requesting it. Sometimes it is imperative to ask for advice. We don’t need to do this on our own. However the resulting parenting guilt when we just can't win some battles can be horrific. Some advice will never work for your particular situation and shouldn’t be trusted. At times all we can do is escape and regroup.
Episode 3 – revenge of the sh#t
Ok I don't know much about episode 3 of Star Wars because I've only seen it once. I just decided to call it this coz its a play on the title "Revenge of the Sith". Corey informed me that this is the movie where the clones turn against the Jedi. Also Anakin Skywalker (a Jedi “good guy” himself) battles the internal struggle of whether he wants to stay on the “light side of the force” or go to the dark side. The dark side, so its supporters say, can offer him more power. Basically Anakin learns the dark side and turns into Darth Vader. Drawing a parallel to parenting, in times of trial the advice we have received can lead to our downfall if we aren’t discerning when we pick and choose what we will take on board. As the story progresses, Alexis grows and thinks she is far too smart for us and turns from our cute cuddly super inteligent baby to thinking the ways of the noctobubs and becomes "bed invader".
Episode 4 – a new grope
Episode 4-6 of Star Wars were released way (decades) before episodes 1-3. In a parallel to parenting nobody would give a brass razoo about episodes 1-3 if not for 4-6.
In "A new hope" we are introduced to young Luke Skywalker, the adolescent who is meant to save the Jedi art from extinction. He is trained by Yoda who sounds and looks like he has smoked far too many joints. He ends up blowing up the “Death Star” (Vader’s weapon and lair).
In "a new grope" I try the slightly "alternative" practice of co-sleeping. Co-sleeping is considered a way of life for some cultures, irresponsible in others, and a destroyer of sex life by all. It allowed me to get some sleep occasionally when Alexis was threatening to wipe out sleep from the face of the universe, but in the end she was just having a snuggle and a grope. Corey and I went to battle with "bed invader" and removed the bed option, forcing her to retreat to sleeping in her cot again.
Episode 5 – the noctobub strikes back
In "the empire strikes back" the empire strikes back. Simple enough. In this episode our bed invader returns with an army minions, such as teething, gastro, nappy rash, coughing, sneezing, and the all infamous noctobub-like antics. All hope of peace and tranquility seems lost.
Episode six in Star Wars is called "Return of the Jedi". Jedi (good guys) win. Darth Vader is destroyed but first redeems himself and kills the evil emperor (chief bad guy).
We don't want anyone killed or destroyed obviously! We just want our little bed invader to let us sleep and let her true colours out, defeating the evil that is restlessness, separation anxiety and hyperactivity. I hoped to call ours "return of our sanity" but it hasn't occurred yet. Instead all we have is the "return of the apathy", "return of the red eye", or return of the "bad guy", where Corey and I struggle to sleep and we wonder are we going to the dark side (i.e. are we going to mess around with controlled crying and very strong earplugs).
The "bed guy" will be delivering Alexis' very own single bed later this week so we hope that she will love her new room and, feeling freed from her cage (cot), restore peace to the force very soon.